February 14, 2018

Valentines Day Thoughts... How To Deal With A Breakup.

Fashion

So as I vowed to do more chatty blog post and write about things I really want to write about I thought now is the time to do the one I’ve been thinking about writing for the absolute longest. How to deal with a breakup… So seeing as it’s valentines day and I swear at least 50% plus people HATE valentines day and for so many it means a reminder of a breakup, your single status or the one that got away. So why not do this post…TODAY and hey to stay in keeping with this post being about how to cut contact. Heres me in a phone box ;)

Okay so if you’re in the know, you’ll know I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with very happily for 2 years (in Jan) with and if you wanted our break up story – soz that’s not what you’ve got. We are still firmly together, happy and living with each other in our lovely little flat in London. Watch my boyfriend tag video HERE But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had a painful, sad and rubbish breakup in the past. Because let me tell you… I have. For ages now I’ve wanted to write more about this, because when we first broke up I was looking for so many people to say ‘oh I know how you feel’ or ‘we broke up and it was awful, but here I am’ – I basically wanted to know other people had felt the same and they were on the other side like fully functioning happy individuals, because at one time I never thought that would be me again. I remember searching celebrities who had broken up with their partners/bfs/gfs because I thought if they have to see it all in the press everyday and they still seem fine, then hey I surely can. Queue googling ‘selena gomez post breakup’. 

So a brief back story – we went to university together (I know first error) and spent our year abroad very happily together and got to see more of the world together. My first boyfriend. I was the girl that thought she’d marry her first boyfriend (second error potentially). I had returned earlier than him from my year abroad and he surprised me and came home earlier, I was so happy to see him but it was nothing more than I expected of our pretty perfect relationship. Up til then everything had been the sweetest of sweetest, the best of the best…if a bouquet of flowers arrived, I’d sort of know ‘yeah that’ll be for me from him’, so nothing was too OTT to imagine. Then BAM… he turned the next day after he came home. Barely saw me, I felt un wanted and rubbish, which I let continue til I ended it with him (secretly hoping he’d make it up to me and we’d be back where we were). After that it all went rapidly downhill and was a long long winded end to a relationship and hey that’s as much of a description as we need right now. But as you can imagine going from so great, to being treated awfully... it was hurtful and totally unexpected. 

 

So that’s my brief back story. And not what this post is about, but I need to set the scene as briefly as possible for how I came up with my tips for getting through a bad breakup. So I would see the process as two stages, or maybe even three. First the initial BAM you’ve broken up, what should you do first, how do you fill your time and should you text him back? Next the ‘we definitely don’t text but I still stalk him on facebook, instagram twitter, ebay, depop, linkedin but it pains my heart’. To finally Okay we don’t even look at him, think of him (or her) and we are moving it along. 

So lets start with the immediate coping.
 

1. My first tip I think is the best one. I said it to all my friends when they went through breakups too and I really think you guys need to use it if you’re in that initial phase. So inevitably you’re used to texting your ex when you have something to say, something funny happens, sad happens, to say goodnight or even to just say good morning. So to go from that to nada is often difficult and to think im never texting them ever again in my whole life seems so outrageous of a thought and unachievable. So what I did was say Okay you CANNOT text him unless its 10-12 in the morning or 4-6pm in the afternoon. Short bursts of opportunity and conveniently placed at times where (even at uni) its unlikely you’ll be drunk, unlikely you’ll be drowsy and tired and not thinking clearly and also times you’re likely to be busy. So for that reason I thought they were great time frames. One that seemed possible but I bet you when 10am rolls around you’re not feeling the same way you did the night before at midnight and then 4-6pm rolls around and you’re on your way home or thinking of dinner, not about texting your ex. But giving yourself those two little time slots makes it seem a whole lot easier.
 
2. Gym. So I think the gym is needed throughout all phases of the breakup. First of all you may do the classic ‘training to become the hottest ex girlfriend’ and that’s fine if that’s your motivation but you’ll find it transcends that and it becomes all about you and those endorphins. Its likely you’ll have a bit of stress, anger, pent up emotion so try something new at the gym to keep it exciting and then relieve yourself of stress and emotions you don’t want. Spinning does the trick well.
 
3. Friends. This one can relate to so many things but in the case of texting and communication. Think every time I want to text or call my ex, Im going to call my best friend. Win win, you get to talk to your best friend more which will probably bring you closer, and two you don’t talk to your ex and bring up any emotions or stop the moving on process. Next also try just planning your week more. Go out more with your friends, make old traditions that you once did with your boyfriend, maybe like a cinema trip, into a girly thing you do once every two weeks.
 
4. If all else fails and you’re not occupied and your still finding yourself in bed late at night wondering when you’ll be back together and things will go back to hunky dory, write yourself a list. Now this list can be a list of positive things you can do now you’re single or a list of things you disliked about being in that relationship. I did the later. I wrote a list of all the things that made me sad that he’d done, not the sleeping with others because that’s so obvious – do ones that hurt you most, perhaps the more emotional ones. I used to keep that little list by my bed at night so if I felt really sad I’d read it and think ‘omg what am I thinking!!!” and I’d often find myself falling asleep a lot better knowing I wasn’t actually missing something.
 

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So those are the immediate steps. And after the immediate steps comes the phase where you no longer talk and you no longer see them. For me this phase had to be post uni, because its hard to properly move on seeing htem everyday. So make sure you get them out of your day to day life would be a definite help. But you might find that even when you’re not expecting to hear from them, see them or even want any of that you might still think of them and often in a positive and reminiscing way (I know right…why didn’t that hateful list work!). From now its work on positive life changes for good.

 

My top few things for doing this are seeing your friends or making new ones, even going on a few dates when you’re feeling ready for it – this doesn’t need to be a case of finding someone new but dates are fun, get dressed up and meet new people. Find a new avenue that you enjoy. Perhaps you had something that your ex didn’t support, or perhaps you never even thought of it before, maybe you never had the time. But now is really your time, try that new gym class, take up painting, explore photography, travel! Make yourself your own little life for you. Finally remove their things and sentimental stuff, you don’t need to chuck it away forever but placing it away in a memory box gives the feeling that chapter is over and you haven’t got any constant reminders. Oh and whilst your at it remove them on social media, we all know that’s not fun!

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So there you go those are a few tips on how to deal with a breakup. I hope this may have helped you and even if you don’t like my tips, at least you can know there are people that have been through it and are out the other side. 

 

Lots of LOVE

xoxo

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